The Meeting of Fate
by LeatitiaVia
Summary: James comes back from for his seventh year with a different attitude, no one knows why he changed, due to the barriers he has built around him. And now he has even more trouble
1. Mutatio

I know I shouldn't be doing this. I know, but I just cant help it, so sue me. I really wanted to write this it will go on for..i don't know how long but I've got it planned out until the end so all I have to do is type it out. This is where the problem comes in; I have my GCSEs coming up in about a week and will go on until late June so I beg for your forgiveness if I shall update less frequently than desired. Now moving on I would like to also say that my other stories are also going to suffer due to my bloody exams but I will try to update as often as possible. I realize that I'm becoming repetitive, if not rephrasing everything I've already said(I even do it in class and it pisses the teachers off but its sooo fun!) so I'll just shut up so you can read my story and you can tell me what you think of this new addition to my collection

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**__**

Mutatio 

James Potter stepped through the barrier at King's Cross' platform 9 3/4, and anyone could see there was a different air about him. Even Lily Evans noticed it, although she didn't was to admit to anything that had to do with Potter. 

His eyes, that were hidden behind his glasses, were visible and hollow, as if haunted by the darkest things in the world and he had grown his hair; it was now roughly shoulder length give or take a few inches, although it still looked windswept and gave him a new form of mature attractiveness. He didn't talk to anyone, that is if he actually chose to acknowledge them; he just walked to the train and moved to the back were he would meet his friends.

The fact of the matter was that not many people actually saw James pass through them. The very few that did didn't think much of it as they associated his new attitude to what happened to him over the summer holidays. It was all over the 'Daily Prophet'; his parents and younger sister were brutally killed in their home estate and his brother was sent o St. Mungo's in critical condition. James was not at the house at the time and so he escaped but he had arrived some time later and witnessed the crumbled bodies of his parents and sister.

He hadn't talked since. The only people that he talked to were the Marauders

In the compartment at the back of the train, nothing was happening. There was absolute quiet. Which could have been very scary if it had been any other train ride.

That is until Severus Snape appeared soon after the train had began moving

"If it isn't the half-breed and his little mudblood-loving friends. How are you Lupin? I that the full moon the other day didn't drain you to much" he said, his voice dripping with malice 

Remus Lupin, a werewolf, blinked up at him in surprise, whilst Sirius Black, one of his best friends, sprang up to face him

"Get out Snape" he growled. He then felt someone pulling him back ant turning around he saw James, staring at him with nothing but an indifferent expression 

"Sit down Sirius" he whispered loudly before turning to look out the window. 

The compartment was once again quiet. They were all looking at him, with a mixture of respect (Remus), surprise (Sirius) and rage (Snape)

"My, my, my, someone's grown over the summer" Snape drawled, trying to find a way to anger him, "Something to do with getting rid of your parents, Potter?" 

James's pulse began to race and he visible clenched his fists

"Hit a nerve did I Potter?" he smiled evilly 

"That is way bellow the belt Snape" Sirius said, anger noticeable in his voice 

"How would you know Black? Your parents don't even want you" Snape snapped back. Sirius flinched

Within a blink of an eye James was standing in front of Snape with his wand right between his eyes the look of indifference was now replaced with a look of utter loathing, and Snape began to feel afraid

"I except your foul language when it comes to me Snape, but when it comes to my friends I suggest you shut the hell up" James' voice came even and strong. Snape gulped.

"James -" Remus began, to try to stop him from doing something, but James cut him off, who had turned to him

"No Remus. He's over done it this time. He-" but this time he was cut off by something that Snape was muttering. He turned around to face him only to hear a dark spell 

"Asper altivolus" Snape whispered harshly 

It seemed that he was the only one that heard it though as it hit him on his right shoulder and he staggered back

"Stupify!" someone else that was out of the compartment. Snape fell to the floor and Lily Evans walked over him to enter the compartment 

Remus and Sirius looked at her in surprise, while James merrily looked at his injured shoulder. He knew that the wound wasn't the actual effect of the course. No, but he would experience the after shock soon. Especially if he couldn't control his emotions. And the best thing was; he couldn't go to Madam Pomfrey because then she would see the other scars he had on his back, and frankly he couldn't stand the questions

"James are you ok?" he heard Sirius ask him. He looked up at him and nodded

"Yea, I'm fine. Err.. Thanks Lily" he added

Lily was surprised to hear James utter anything let alone her name. She shook her head slowly and tried to regain composure. 

"Its ok, Potter. I was just doing my duty." She replied. Then she turned to Remus, "Remus are you Head Boy? Because we're wanted in front" she asked him

"Actually no I'm not. I don't really know who he is either" he said smoothly

"I am" James voiced finally, his eyes now on Lily.

The compartment was silent once again

"You are Head Boy?" Lily whispered unbelievingly 

"Yes. It's a mystery to me too Lily but what can you do huh?" he answered. He stepped closer to her and she held her breath without realizing, "Come on Lily, they're waiting for us" he added as he walked passed her, leaving them all staring after him.

"He's Head Boy?" Sirius asked with a high pitched voice, so unlike his own.

"Seems like it doesn't it?" Remus replied.

"Err.. I gotta go" was all Lily could master and left confused.

"Why the hell didn't he tell us?" Sirius complained

"Leave him alone Padfoot, he's got a lot on his mind now" was all that was said after that, as they both sat back down

_+_+_+

Before Lily arrived, James leaned against the wall and took a few breaths to calm his breathing. He could feel Snape's spell taking full effect and he needed to ground his emotions but after he saw her again, he knew it was going to be hard. 

He could feel pain soar through him with every beating of his heart, his legs weighed a ton and he felt very dizzy.

There's only one thing he could do now and that was to stay clear of Lily Evans

"Come on, Potter" he heard her call out and then he felt her move past him, leaving her sent in her wake. Immediately his smelling sense heightened to an excruciating level, making him gasp in pain

Dear God was this going to be a hard trying to keep his new resolution

****

A/N so what do you think? Shall I continue? Shall I stop? It's up to you peeps!

Dictionary: mutatio~ a change, alternation, transformation

Asper altivolus~ fierce soaring

The chapters shall be titled in Latin and there will be a dictionary at the bottom of every chapter


	2. Fides

**__**

Fides

The two Heads made their way to the front of the train where the prefects were waiting for them. Most of them were surprised to see James-prank extraordinaire-babe magnet-Quidditch captain-rule breaking- Potter walk in to the compartment with his Head badge on. Soon their expressions changed as they saw that there was something that different about him

The Slytherins smirked as they realized that it had to do with his parent deaths. They were probably the only ones in Hogwarts that knew what had really happened the night his parents had died and they were glad to see that it was tormenting their newly established Head Boy. The Ravenclaws looked at him in sympathy and sorrow, while the Hufflepuffs merely looked surprised as they were all actually muggleborn and they did not know what had happened. The Gryffindors gazed at him in admiration and respect. They were glad to see that it was a Gryffindor that had gained the Head position and they knew that it meant a lot to him after what had happened in the summer.

James counted them with his eyes, ignoring all the looks that he was receiving and nodded in Lily's direction in order for her to precede 

"Welcome to another year at Hogwarts" she greeted, and many of the prefects replied. "You have been chosen by the headmaster himself to represent not only our school but your houses and years." She continued 

_+_+_+

An hour later all the prefects had left, having been assigned their new positions, to patrol the train for trouble, leaving Lily and James alone in the Prefect Compartment.

"So Potter, how come you're Head Boy?" she asked him, trying to be polite

"I don't know, _Lily_" he answered, stressing her name and crossing his arms in front of his chest

Silence

"How come you're Head Girl? Its been a dream of yours right? You glad you finally accomplished it?" he asked her, she noticed that he was trying to be polite to make up for his previous rudeness. She felt a bit guilty though as it was her fault in the first place 

"Yea," she nodded, "and I thank God every single day, for helping me achieve my goal." Lily admitted shyly. 

James visibly stiffened

"I don't believe in God anymore" he stated looking back out the window. It was raining. He loved the rain. It never failed to sooth him. The way the light drizzle fell against the window, and the pounding water of a rainstorm against his skin while he was out flying. 

Lily looked at him in surprise and wonder. As he gazed out the window, into the pouring rain, he looked so peaceful and content. His eyes, that moments before were glazed over with emotions, were now watching intently out the window with calmness and, almost, affection. Despite her fascination on his newfound innocence, she needed to know something 

"What do you mean, you don't believe in God?" she asked timidly. She saw his eyes darken a bit as he gave a delayed shrug

"I mean that I don't believe in God" he answered slowly, turning his gaze only to her. She looked at him blankly

"Why?" 

"How can you ask that after what He did to you? Your sister hates you for who you are. Some students in school hate you for who you are. They make you feel like you don't belong in either world, while you rightfully belong in _both. _Why would _God_ do that if he really did exist? So many awful things happen to the world that it doesn't give me enough faith for something like that" he replied in the same monotonous tone

During his speech he had shifted into a new position. He now had his elbows on his knees and he was leaning forward to rest his head on his hands, bringing him closer to Lily, but she found she didn't mind

Instead she was perplexed at his answer. She had only heard that kind of answer from one other person and that person had gone through something terrible, which made her wonder about something else; _what did happen to Potter over the summer?_

But she would deal with that a little later. Alternatively she leaned slightly forward, causing him to blink

"My sister might think that I'm a freak but she is the only one in my family. I have a younger brother, a mother and a father that are very proud of me and although I would like to have my sister's wish in who I am I'm not altogether bothered about it anymore. We were never that close for me to care much. As for the people in school, its only the Slytherins that think that I should get thrown out of the school, the rest see me as I am; a witch. As you said I belong in both worlds and nothing anyone can say will make me change that image for me," she sighed loudly

"As for why God would do this to me, or to anyone else its simple; he's challenging us. Physically, mentally and emotionally. And he's waiting to see if we'll rise up to his challenge. God might have allowed a few bad things to happen but think about all the good things He's allowed to happen as well" she finished staring at him fixedly

"You've done this before haven't you?" he asked with some amusement in his voice. He didn't smile though

"Kinda. A friend of mine was going through exactly what you are going through" she told him

"Doubt that" he snorted, his eyes darkening slightly

"What happened to you Potter? You never seemed the pessimistic type" she told him. He extended her hand to place it on his but at contact, he snatched it away as if on fire, almost in pain

She blinked at him in surprise and confusion while he looked at his hand that seemed to turn red as though it had been hit. He looked at her as a flash of fear passed his pupils and he shot up from his seat

"I err- gotta go" he muttered and began to make his way to the compartment door but something stopped him. He turned around to see Lily holding on to his arm and her eyes penetrating his

almost immediately pain shot through his arm and he visibly flinched and drew his arm back to him, his eyes never leaving his. This time she didn't try to stop his moves as he moved backwards to the door.

"What the hell happened to you over the summer Potter?" she asked him, fear evident in her voice

"I lost faith, Lily," he answered, his voice bitter and low. Her heart dropped at the tone he was using. "I lost faith and I grew up" he added and left the compartment 

Lily stared at the door for a while before sighing loudly and sat down with a huff 

"What did happen?" she asked no one in particular and sunk into her thoughts as she watched the rain continue to fall

_+_+_+

James almost ran to the train toilets after he had left Lily and nearly fell due to the force he had used on the door. He locked the door before turning to the mirror

His reflection was so unlike what he was used to seeing. Less than seven hours ago, when he had looked in the mirror at his apartment, his reflection stared back at him with nothing but indifference but now…

Now he looked scared, in pain and desperate. Everything that he felt. Without breaking eye contact with his reflection he peeled his T-shirt off slowly and cringed at the sight

Where Lily had touched him was at the moment crimson, as if burned and his veins were outlined in an even darker shade of red. He eyed it carefully in the mirror and turned on the tap for the cold water to flow. As the water came in contact with his skin an intense feeling of relief washed over him and he noticed the darkened color of his skin pale slowly

"Shit" he said through gritted teeth as he sucked in air

When his wounded had turned to a much lighter shade of pink, he took off his glasses and rubbed the sweat that had formed on his forehead with water. He then leaned towards the mirror and stared into his own eyes before sighing deeply

"Merlin am I in deep shit" he muttered as he put on his top on once more and walked out the door

__

Thank yous

DracozFallenAngel ~ the effects of the curse is shown more in this chapter, if you still have problems in understanding the curse then I'll explain it further in the next chapter, but I hope I made it a bit clearer for everyone out there and you're right someone does have a crush on James but they don't know that yet heh ;p Thank you and I hope you keep enjoying my fics

**__**

LuthienGranger2004 ~ Thank you, hope you enjoy the rest of the story

**__**

SaMBraT ~ Thanks, I will (my name's Sam as well and I don't like green eggs and ham either heh)

**__**

Andufeniel ~ Thank you very much, that was actually my aim; to make them as real as possible, thank you! As for Orion, the next chapter is almost ready but I'm going to have to put it up at the end of next week cos I've got 3 major exams this week and the next, so sowy for the delay

**__**

Salem-is-my-Angel ~ Thank you, glad you like it

****

Living In A Nightmare~ *blush* yea, sorry bout that heh. To tell you the truth I don't think I have a real life outside ff.net but the thing is I got my exams, that's the bad thing. But the good thing is that now I'm on study leave! I'm home alone, unsupervised with free access to the internet. As long as I don't have a hard exam within the week I'll be updating but if it's hard then I'm going to have to study. Thank you so much for enjoying my fics and I hope you continue the rest of the story

****

Mrsmunkee ~ Thank you and I thought so too (I'm sounding like James in 5TH year aint I? Heh) well I'm glad you like my stories and I hope you continue to do so

****

Child-of-Scorpio ~ You want to hear something funny? I didn't know how to go about in bringing James to touch Lily (or vise versa) but with your review it came to me heh. Siriusly! Thank you so much for helping me and to show my gratitude I would like to dedicate this chapter to you, you have no idea how much you helped me. I was staying up last night trying to figure out how I'm going to do it when I read your review (again) and it just came to me! Thank you! As for my exams I'm doing Maths, English, Literature, History, Greek A' Level(I'm half Cypriot and its compulsory, but I hate it!), Art and Drama but they're done and my worst one, Biology which is at the end of this week. You? Which ones did you chose? 

A/N so? Nice? Hope you enjoyed it, tell me what you think by emmm reviewing? Go on you know you want to heh

__

Latin Dictionary: Fides ~ Faith


	3. Lex Talionis

**__**

Lex talionis

He made his way to his friends. As he reached the compartment door, he leaned against the wall to regain his breath. He seemed to have trouble breathing and keeping steady, especially when he thought about what had happened with Lily

When he managed to stable his breathing rate he placed a hand on the door handle, but before he pulled it to open, he heard something that made him stop

"- and then he just took off. He's been gone for about half an hour and no one has seen him" Lily's voice rang in his ears, from inside the compartment

He felt his heart quicken painfully

"Are you sure? Maybe he just went to the toilet?" Sirius' voice followed Lily's. James could tell that he was worried

"Don't be daft Padfoot. Lily don't worry, he just needs some time to be alone right now. He's been though a lot over the summer" James heard Remus say, always the reasonable one. He mentally thanked his werewolf friend

"Yea but we're all worried about him, Remus, and he wont talk to any of us. Something else happened that day but he plain out refuses to talk about it or to even mention it. I really want to know what the hell is wrong with him and I know I'm not the only one who does so neither of you give me that look. But the thing is, he's always been so damn stubborn to and so bloody proud to open up or even accept any sort of help from any of us. He keeps insisting on dealing with everything on his own, and I really cant stand that!" Sirius' voice became louder and louder as he approached the end of his rant

James could just imagine his friend fraying his hands everywhere trying to prove his point, and he would have smiled fondly at the sight if a sharp sting hadn't struck him across his abdomen. He had to bite hard on his lip to prevent him from screaming in pain. His hand gripped the handle of the compartment door even harder.

He roughly let go and staggered a few steps back clutching his aching stomach. He breathed in deeply for a few seconds and as soon as the throbbing pain had turned into a dull tingle, he turned around determinedly and strode in the opposite direction

Within a few moments he had reached the only part of the train that he _really_ didn't like. The Slytherin End

As he passed the Slytherin packed compartments, he heard sneers and snide remarks about his parents, but he kept on ahead, trying to ignore the increasing sting in his abdomen, which was now beginning to move to the rest of his body

Finally he had reached the compartment that he was looking for and pushed it open harshly revealing the person he was looking for

" Snape" he hissed coldly

Snape looked at him, his eyes glinting with droning hatred and fear, as the other occupants of the compartment made their way out silently, surprised at the Gryffindor's presence

"Potter" he drawled, "I was wondering when you would be coming. I must admit though, it did take you less time to do so than I expected. Your feelings for that little redheaded mudblood might be stronger than you lead on then huh?" he smirked

James' eyes flashed dangerously and before Snape could blink, he was in front of him, holding him firmly against the wall by his forearm

"Don't-you-ever-call-her-that-again!" James breathed out each word, finding it difficult to conjure a sentence. Within a few seconds he felt a burning feeling, such as the feeling he felt when Lily had touched him, blaze his arm and he immediately let go 

"Seems that you hate me as much as you love her, huh Potter?" Snape grumbled, massaging his neck. 

"What -the -hell.." James gasped at the burning sensation. He found it unbearable to continue as he shut his eyes tight to try and block out the pain

"Did I do to you?" Snape finished with a leer. He approached him slowly and James too a few steps back and whispered harshly

"Well Potter, I'm just showing you my gratitude for saving my life last year. I really do owe you my life. I realize that neither of us are very happy about this.. situation, but I must admit that I don't particularly like to be in debt to a low life son of a bitch like yourself, so I found this nifty little spell. _Asper altivolus _it called. Sound familiar?" he mocked him

James seemed to think about it for some time before he looked back at him, a hint of fear and apprehension in his eyes. Snape's grin grew even more devious and sadistic

"Exactly" he almost shouted

"But that's too powerful Snape, even for you" James answered hoarsely 

"What can I say; I have friends in high places" he said airily 

"And how the hell is this supposed to help me?" James growled, his anger returning, along with the pain that began to accompany it. He gasped loudly

"Tut tut tut Potter. Temper, temper. You really should watch yourself with that. You never know when karma might strike back. You know what they say don't you? What goes around comes around" Snape said in a tone of mock wisdom

He grabbed James' arm and eyed the burns that had formed on his forearm and took out his wand and muttered '_Gelu_' and a silvery light shot through and as it came in contact with his skin a soothing cold feeling brushed him like silk and he blinked several times

"Why?" he whispered slowly, his eyes now glued on Snape's

"I'm sick and tired of watching you act like you do. You have so many emotions inside you but you never seem to be able to express yourself. Think about how better life would be if you could just express yourself more freely. See Potter, the spell that I put on you controls your body's reactions to your feelings. When you feel hate, you feel pain. When you feel love, you feel pain. When you feel pain, the pain that will curse through you with seem stronger and deeper. It can help you with your.. shall I say relationships? That is if you are willing to accept their help, or even their support. But then again you never seemed to be the type of person to accept anything. So like your father. Now you get to suffer while you try to fix your little life up and I get to watch. An arrangement far better that what existed. Don't you think Potter?" he explained smoothly

"You are the most despicable person I have ever had the displeasure of meeting" James spat

"Remember what I said Potter, as you make your way back to your friends" Snape snapped back in return

"There has to be a counter curse right?" James asked, more to himself than to Snape. Snape heard and grinned evilly at him

"Oh did I forget to mention? There is no counter curse" his smile grew at the horror struck look on James' face

"You're lying!" he almost shouted. The look on Snape's face brought doubts to his mind and he back further out of the door "Fuck you Snape" he added as he turned around fast and strode down the train to where his friends were

Lily Evans wasn't in the carriage when he went back to the Marauders, but he did find his friend waiting for him, with determination shinning in their eyes and he immediately knew he was in trouble

"Where have you been?" Sirius began to rant. "Do you know how worried we are? We haven't seen you all summer and today we find out that you're Head Boy. Evans came in about 20 minutes ago asking what the fuck got into you and that you just ran off. And to top it all off Snape attacked you before and we didn't even see if you were ok. I mean sure-" he was cut off by Remus

"Padfoot I advise you to shut up because you seem to be putting him to sleep rather than in a mood to answer our questions" he told him playfully and then turned to James who was watching them with some amusement 

"He's right though Prongs, we are worried about you. How come you didn't tell us you were Head Boy?" he added solemnly slowly making his way to him

"It slipped my mind?" James replied lamely

"Slipped your mind?!" Sirius snapped back outraged, "James, forgetting to wash up, that's slip your mind. Forgetting homework, that's slipped your mind. Forgetting to tell your friends that you became Head Boy, that is… I don't know what that is, but it sure as hell is not slipped your mind"

"Oh yea, and what is it?" James retorted in a low voice. He was beginning to get aggravated and he could feel a tingle of hurt appearing on his back

"James, relax, we're just worried about you and Sirius, please just don't" Remus stepped in between them, trying to stop a fight

"You don't have to be" James breathed as he sat down carefully and turning his gaze outside the window were it was still raining

Remus and Sirius watched him in surprise at the sudden attitude change. A few seconds ago, he appeared to be very angry, and although Sirius might not have seen it Remus saw a flash of pain cross his eyes. And now he was sitting next to the window, peering through it with a grim expression. Suddenly they both saw an unmistakable sign of a tears fall down his cheek

"James-" Sirius began cautiously, stepping closer to him

"I saw them die" he muttered against the window. His voice was broken. Sirius stopped while Remus approached

"What?" he asked slowly, risking a glance at Sirius who was looking at him with uncertainty

"I saw Voldemort murder my family" he clarified, his voice a bit stronger than before

For the second time that day, silence ruled the noisiest compartment of the train

**__**

Thank yous

Lady Masbolle__thank you for your kind words they kind of made my day after my exam, thank you. That thing you told me about the guy's eyes sounds really cool, I'm going to experiment with that with a few guinea pigs that I've got in mind evil grin (heh). Japanese huh? I wanted to learn Japanese as well at one point in my life. I still do for that matter, but one thing at a time, I also want to learn Spanish and guitar and pass my exams so as I said one thing at a time. Good look with that

****

Niux Glad you liked it, I hope you enjoyed this one as well!

****

C I'm glad you enjoying it this far and I hope you like what's coming as well cos I have every intention in continuing this story and I really wish you like it. I hope this chapter clarifies Snape's spell, not just for you but for everyone that reads this fic

****

LimeJuiceTub Thanks. I know this isn't following the usual Lj stories at the point but I just had tis idea in mind and given the effect of no internet for two days, this was the result heh. Now the religious aspect that showed up in the previous chapter may have caused a few people to get confused, but think about it for a moment; Lily is a muggleborn and she had to have been accustomed to believing in God, I just made her a bit more religious. But I did this because as it is well known Sirius Black (sigh) is Harry's godfather, meaning that Harry was baptized. So even in the magic community I suspect they have a God. If ot the God that us Muggles believe in then one of their own. No? Anyway, religious stuff aside, I hope you enjoyed this chapter

****

GinnyPotter08 Soon enough for you? Heh. I hope you like it

****

Living In A Nightmare Oh those puppy dog eyes, get me all the time! Heh, I hope you liked this chapter. I hope to continue to show clearly how much the characters change through my story. Thanks for your good luck wishes, they really mean a lot to me, especially when I can use as much luck as I can get heh

****

Child-of-Scorpio You have violent friends as well? Am I glad to know that I'm not the only one! But then again maybe its my fault but then again they still shouldn't hit me. They should try to refrain from showing their true feelings toward some of my (very stupid) comments/actions/expressions. That was actually my favourate line in that chapter to tell you the truth. I was actually sleeping when I actually came up with it and it even gave me the chills writing it! I kept on re-reading it and I still got them, but I wouldn't go to the extent of being called a VERY good writer for doing so. If you still insist though yous hould really talk to my English teacher. Maybe she'll set you straight heh. Maybe. People actually chose to learn Greek? To get something cleared out I live in Cyprus. The newly established EU island thingy or something. And I have lived here all my life (all 17 years of it) and all I can say about the Greek language is that I wish it wasn't compulsory to take it to A' Level. Thank Merlin though that this is my last year of it! Eleven years of greek can give you that undying hatred for it. Oh well. Those are really cool subjects that you're taking (Sviences aside. I really suck at science) and I wish my bloody school would have them as well. The art thing about the coursework is so true, it really is a pest to have that coursework doe but its fun anyway, you don't even have to draw. You can just glue something on a piece of paper and its art! Believe it or not heh . yes Biology is my worst subject, but that could be due to the fact that I really don't like my teacher but hey! You don't have Drama!? Oh my God! (sorry bout that) that sounds like torture. But at least you have better Geography trips than us. Our school's idea of a geography trip is to go to a village for the day! Can you believe that? I know what you mean about the James scene. I was going to leave it where he left Lily but I thought better of it. Glad you liked it and I hope you enjoyed this chapter as well

****

A/N not one of my best chapters but I hope you still like it

Gelu cold

lex talionis the law of revenge


	4. Lapsus memoriae

**__**

Lapsus memoriae

Nothing was said between the Marauders during the remaining of the ride. James sat near the window, his head against the window and he appeared to be in deep thought. Remus and Sirius were silent, not knowing what to say or do, sitting apprehensively near the door and shooting worried glances constantly in James' direction

Despite the fact that they had wanted to know what was bothering their friend, they most definitely did not expect him to break so easily nor did they suspect what his answer would be

And so the journey to school continued in a deafening silence.

Suddenly James stirred from his reverie, by standing up and making his way to the compartment door

"Where you going James?" Sirius asked trying to appear uninterested, but James could hear the worried tone in his voice

"We're here" he answered slowly, without turning and walked out of the compartment

Sirius was about to contradict him when he felt the train slow down until it eventually came to a stop. He looked at Remus with a bewildered look

"Moony he's starting to scare me, you know that?" he told him. Remus just looked at the compartment door for a few seconds with a pensive expression on his face before he stood up to follow his friend

They walked off the train and made their way to James who was talking to Hagrid, but before they were able to reach them, they saw him walk towards the boats

"Hagrid where is James going?" Remus asked Hagrid when he came into earshot. Hagrid turned around to face them with a smile; he always had a soft spot for the Marauders

"Oh, he's jus' goin' to the boats" he replied happily, "Head Boy an' all" he surveyed them closely, his small eyes glinting with a hint of worry. "Why, 'nything the matter?" he asked grimly.

"Oh, no. We're just a bit worried about him, that's all" Sirius answered distractedly still keeping an eye on James, who was now helping a small scared little girl board one of the boats.

Sirius remained transfixed at the scene, unable to hide the sorrow and pity in his eyes. He had never seen his friend so lost in his life, despite the façade that he so insisted in putting on, he could see right through him and he knew that there was something else that he was hiding, yet he also knew that James needed time to straighten things out on his own first

He shook his head as if clearing his head and slowly turned around to head in the direction of the carriage

He failed to notice a redhead standing not so far away observing the exact same scene, her gaze also filled with sorrow and something other than pity, although she didn't want to get into it at the moment

She had not known at the beginning of the train ride that James' house had been attacked during the summer holidays, or that his parents and younger sister had been killed in the attack, or that his brother was held in critical condition at St. Mungo's

But she did know now; she had heard a few of the girls talk about it and she understood now why he had lost his faith, why he became so grim and pessimistic about life. It would turn anyone's life upside-down; to force them into maturity despite all the youth they should posses.

She stared at the boy in front of her– no man, she corrected herself, for that is surely a more accurate description of the James Potter she was watching now. She no longer detected an ounce of arrogance, or cockiness or even mischief. What stood before her now was a shell of an empty man, who had lost so much in such a short period of time, who looked as through he hadn't had much to live for, yet here he was trying to be strong and move along with his life

She glanced in the direction in which Sirius had disappeared to before turning back to James. He did have reasons to live for; five reasons to live for to be precise. His friends, Sirius, Remus and Peter all which looked up at him as a brother, his brother, who needed him more than anyone and…

She shook her head vigorously as she tried to keep a nasty thought from forming and was surprised to hear her name been called

"Hey Lily?" a soft -spoken voice said her name. She looked around and came face to face with non-other than James Potter, who was looking at her with a look of worry and nervousness.

As she looked in his hazel eyes she let out a small gasp as she felt a diminutive jolt within her and turned her gaze somewhere else instead of him trying to control the heat of her body, thus missing a flash of pain in his deep eyes and a visible wince that he allowed to show

"What Potter?" she muttered harshly and she instantly regretted it

"Well, _Lily_" he snapped sorrowfully, "Hagrid is asking whether or not you'll be joining us on the boats, but you seemed too zone out so I came to see if you were ok" he finished sincerely, rubbing his neck awkwardly

All she seemed to be able to do is stare at him, torn between frustration and awe. And he stared right back

"Right. Then I'll be going back to Hagrid. I guess, you'll be going with the carriages then?" he spoke quickly as if wanting to leave as soon as possible and turned around without waiting for an answer

That seemed to trigger her system

"No!" she cried and he stopped abruptly whirling around to look at her in shock. She felt heat rise within her again; she hadn't meant to shout or scare him

"I mean, I'll come with you. Its not like there are many carriages left anyway" she explained rather hastily, staring at the floor, as she made her was beside him

Without a second word from either of them, they made their way to the boats

"Heya Lily" Hagrid exclaimed loudly as they approached. Lily looked at him with a mixture of embarrassment yet she was delighted to see him again

"Hi Hagrid" she replied almost shyly. Hagrid seemed to ignore her tone as he beamed at her

"Hear ya Head Girl! Ada girl Lils. Always knew ya could do it." he patted her fondly on her head. He pointed at James in a humorous manner. "Now I had 'few doubts 'bout him min' ya" he laughed as he made his way to one of the boats, leaving the two Heads to sort themselves into the boats

They stood together in an awkwardly serene silence for a few minutes until James coughed discreetly

"After you, Lily" he stepped aside in order for her to board one of the small boats. She looked at it uncertainly for a few moments scared in case it would not hold her weight. James watched her in a daze and noticing her hesitation, he reached out his hand for her to take and help her make her way on the boat, forgetting at the time about the curse as he leaned closer to her

"Don't worry, you wont fall in. If Hagrid can do this every year without them breaking, you certainly can. Even if you fall in, I'll jump in to save you" he whispered gently into her ear.

As he did so a tingle of pain moved from the back of his neck to the bottom of his back, as her scent intoxicated his organism once again, and he slowly drew back only to see her fix her eyes on him, with a strange look in her eyes

"You promise?" she smiled at him warmly

"I promise" and a nod was all he could master as he felt a sharp sting in his chest as he took in her smile

That seemed to satisfy her and taking his hand she walked on board, her smile still on her face, passing James as she did so, and so neglecting to see the agonizing expression his eyes wore

The boat ride was not as quiet as the train ride; as they neared the castle all the new children looked up at it in amazement and wonder. Most let out noises of marvel as they continued their journey in awe

Both the Heads looked at the sight in front of them knowing that this would be the last time they would be staying in their beloved castle. The castle that meant so much to them, where they had learned everything they would need for the 'real' world. The castle that had been their home for six, going on seven years, a home that will always have a place for them to return to if ever they needed it

James turned his attention to the lake and the ripples that were being formed by the small boats as they broke the through surface, trying to focus on something that he was immune to, something that didn't mean anything to him

As he had watched Hogwarts from afar, he realized that for the first time he was glad he was returning for his final year, to make more memories and a sting flickered through his body as he recalled the fight he had with his parents that fateful night. The last time he had ever talked to them

Lily watched him closely from her position, studying his every move. She had an idea of what he was thinking of and he felt a pang of sorrow in her heart. She placed a comforting hand on his as she saw him shake his head forcefully and run one of his hands through his hair. She didn't know what to expect with her action but she most certainly did not expect him to snatch it back as if it were on fire and look around him to find who had made contact.

His eyes searched wildly around before falling on her; they immediately softened at the sight of her

Who else could it be you idiot? He thought to himself

He was about to turn his attention back to the lake when Lily said something; something that was barely a whisper, yet it was loud enough to deafen him, something that was said to him by almost every person he met, yet coming from her it meant everything

"I'm sorry"

Her voice was so soft and sincere that he had to turn around to see her. She was looking at her hands that were placed on her lap. He watched as her hair fell down her face. He wanted to hold her and never let go, but he knew that he couldn't; that he shouldn't. Instead, he mastered all his strength and placed a hand on hers

"You, don't have to you know, but thank you all the same" he mumbled solemnly as she looked up at his face. He gave her a small smile and before she could question him on what he meant, he continued,

"I'm sorry too"

At this she was speechless. She looked at him hard, trying to see whether or not it was a joke, despite the feeling she had telling her that it wasn't

"What? Why?" she stammered. He looked at her in a truly apologetic way

"For everything that I ever did to you. Prank you, make fun of you." He paused for a second wondering if he should continue. He did, "ask you out" ending in a whisper, and averted his gaze from hers

Lily was by no lost of words. James Potter; _the _James Potter was sitting in front of her asking for her forgiveness about every vile thing he had ever done to her. She never thought she would live to see the day

Then again, she reasoned, this was not the same James Potter from last year. This James Potter, did not seem to want to prank anyone, fight any Slytherins, Snape incident aside as that was self defense, nor did he have the air of a pompous spoilt prat

Frankly that scared the living daylights out of her

Yet as she stared at the person in front of her, she knew that he needed this and her. He needed as many friends as possible to help him through this. She soon noticed that his gaze had returned to her as if waiting for an answer. She smiled brightly at him

"Friends?" she asked shyly

"It would be my pleasure" he smiled at her and she felt the distinct feeling of giddiness burst within her but she mentally pushed it aside.

James was surprised to see that he didn't feel any pain at this but before he could spend much time dwelling on it, he felt a small nudge on his side and looking up he saw Lily looking down at him.

"We're here" she answered his questioning stare

He looked around and saw that they were indeed at Hogwarts. He hurriedly got off-board and began helping the first years to come out from the boats as well, trying to ignore the heat of Lily's eyes on him

"Come on, now. One by one now," he kept saying, as a distraction

Although Lily had helped the first years as well, she couldn't take her eyes of f him. She was still in a shock at the drastic change that had come over James. Something inside her told her that there was something else that he did not want to let on, and that that something was big

She shook her head once again to get rid of the bizarre thoughts that were penetrating her mind and made her way up to the castle with the rest

Professor McGonagall was waiting for them at the top of the stairs with a stern look plastered upon her face. When her gaze fell on James, sorrow and sympathy flashed in her eyes for a second before returning to the first years. They all followed her as she turned around swiftly and showed them in a small room

"Welcome to Hogwarts" she said sternly. She moved on to explain the sorting ceremony and the Houses that existed within Hogwarts, yet James had zoned out once again, recalling his sorting

He and Sirius had told everyone that they would be forced to fight a troll and depending on their skills they would be sorted. Needless to say they scared many of the other kids. Except one; Lily Evans, so he had pulled her hair and lets just say that she didn't appreciate it very much. When they had both been sorted into Gryffindor, the first years that were with them looked worriedly between them knowing full well of what was going to come

He smiled fondly at the memory feeling another familiar sting move down his back. He snapped out of his dreamlike state as he heard his name being said

"Mr. Potter, Ms. Evans, the headmaster would like to have you in his office when the feast is finished" she told them as she lead them to the Great Hall.

James and Lily made their way to the Gryffindor table and sat next to the Marauders. Sirius and Remus, although surprised, were not as shocked as Peter to see Lily sit next to James, let alone them. Peter had missed most of the things that had occurred on the train, as he was not sitting with them

"And where were you Pete?" James asked lightly, trying to distract his attention from Lily. Peter started to blush as he was going to answer but James stopped him. "Ah, yes. How is the lovely Leila?" he added jokingly

This seemed to embarrass Peter even more as he went an even brighter shade of red. James was referring to his eight-month girlfriend Leila Richards, who was in sixth year Hufflepuff. In the mean time Sirius, Remus and Lily exchanged looks of curiosity at his odd behaviour

When the boys had last seen him, he was distant and quiet, and only mere seconds before when he was with Lily he was some sort reserved and lost in a memory of some sort. Yet here he was making jokes and even smiling despite the fact that I barely looked like smile

"Err.. She's fine" Peter muttered quickly

Soon the food appeared and everyone piled great amounts of each delicacy on their plates. James on the other hand only put a minimum quantity and ate even less, sometimes playing with it and moving it around

"Why aren't you eating, James?" Lily's voice rang though his mind

Forks and knives could be heard dropping around them as people heard her question and turned to them. Had Lily Evan just called James Potter by his first name? Had she just been civil to him? She cared about why he wasn't eating? Whispers began all around them and soon the entire Great Hall was trying to see James' reaction to it

James on the other hand, smiled as he faced her, letting the whispering erupt once again. She locked her eyes with him and they seemed to be thinking of the same thing; she smiled at him warmly

"I'm not that hungry actually Lils" he answered half true. He just didn't want to eat, whether he was hungry or not. As their eyes locked James felt a strong jolt of electricity shoot through him, burning every cell within him, yet he didn't look away

The talk stopped around them as she took his hand in hers and stood up to leave, as they all waited for his reaction

"Let's go see Professor Dumbledore then shall we?" she asked merrily as she pulled him up to him

James was in a daze as he began to follow her out the Great Hall, his boy heating up and freezing at the same time, whilst his hand was burning

As they stepped out of the Great Hall, everyone started talking at once about everything they just witnessed, all except the first years who did not know how James and Lily had been acting before

Snape watched them as they went out, a satisfied smirk on his lips. Despite the fact that he did feel an ounce of sorrow towards Potter, he did not regret what he did. How dare he save him last year! Now he owed him his life, his eyes beady as he remembered last year. Now he would have to suffer the consequences.

Across the Hall Peter was still watching the door in which James and Lily had just went through, unable to believe what had just happened. He turned to Sirius and Remus

"What the Hell just happened guys?" he asked in surprise. Remus and Sirius just looked at each other and smiled knowingly

"You sure miss a lot when you aren't with us, don't you Pete?" Remus said in a mystic voice

James and Lily were waiting outside Professor Dumbledore's office. Lily was still laughing excitedly while James remained content with just smiling

"Did you see their faces?" she exclaimed leaning against the wall for support. James merely nodded, saying nothing

"I haven't laughed like this in a long time" she breathed. James leaned his back against the wall, crossing his legs and arms as he rested his head against the wall as well, sobering up

"Neither have I" he whispered bitterly.

His answer startled Lily in a way she didn't know how to answer. She stood where she was leaning and looked at him. Guilt rose within her as silence settled around them. She was about to apologize but a third party broke the silence

"I see you still remember the way here James?" he asked as his eyes sparkled; yet as James looked at him, he detected another emotion that he couldn't explain

"Quite a performance you put up for us in there. I do believe that the students shan't be leaving you alone until they find out what happened between you" his eyes flickered between the two of them and he smiled, "but whatever has happened between the two I am glad it has occurred, as we need our Head students to be united in this time of need. Shall we?" he gestured to the gargoyle. He stepped closer and whispered, "_Salve veritate_"

The gargoyle moved aside to make way for the headmaster to pass, revealing a winding staircase. They slowly made their way up into the office, seating themselves down at the chairs available

Dumbledore sat behind his desk, and placing his fingers together whilst bringing them to his chin, he gazed at them for a while

"Congratulations on making Head Boy and Girl. You both know that this is a very honourable position in this school and I do hope that you shall not take your privileges lightly, as I trust you wont," he smiled fondly at them before turning to James, who immediately tensed under his stare

"To speak the truth James, I must admit I was astounded when you accepted this position. I had received a letter from your father, saying that you flat out refused to come back here for your last year, let alone as Head Boy" he spoke lightly.

James stared at him with a mixture of emotions, anger and respect being two of them. He really didn't need Lily finding out everything he went through the summer yet he couldn't help but feel glad that he was wanted by the greatest magician of all times

"Yea, well err.. I had kinda made a promise to someone and I'm trying to keep it" he mumbled

Lily studied him closely, wondering again about what James was hiding

"I'm sure that I do not speak only about me when I say, that I'm glad you changed your mind" pointedly watching Lily, who understood the meaning of the sentence, and blushed

"Now, if you are ready we can go so I may show you your private chambers" she added as he rose from his seat and made his way out his office, leaving Lily and James behind as they tried to comprehend what he had said

They had their own private chambers? Was the only thought that passed through their minds as they rushed to catch up with the headmaster

Dumbledore waited for them patiently as they came in a fast pace toward him. Before they had managed to reach him, he began walking though the corridors and occasionally going up a flight of stairs.

Within twenty minutes, they came to a sudden halt in front of a portrait of what appeared to be a large tree surrounded by three little fire fairies

"Why hello Professor, how do you do?" one of the fairies asked politely

"Very well thank you Dot, and you?" Dumbledore replied equally politely. The small fairy seemed to blush before noticing the two Heads, and smiled broadly at them

"These the new Heads, headmaster?" one of the other fairies asked before Dot was able to

"Yes they are Yacko" he smiled at the fairy

"_Nosce te ipsum_" he told them

The third fairy smiled at them as he pushed the portrait hole open for them. As they stepped in both Heads were lost of words.

Right in front of them against the opposite side of the room, there was a fireplace that already consisted of a roaring fire, two red armchairs surrounding it and a large red couch separating them. Above the fireplace there was a large portrait of the four Founders of Hogwarts with candles. Large bookcases where located on either side of the fireplace, filled with many different books on different kinds of magic. On each side of the room there was a staircase that led to two different rooms on the second floor

James slowly made his way up one of the staircases, whilst Lily did the same, embarrassment now forgotten

"You may change the furnishings if you wish to do so. Enjoy" they heard the headmaster say before disappearing through the portrait hole

James stepped into his room, and was once again mesmerized by what he saw. A king size bed was located in the middle of the room, against the wall. Its covers were a deep shade of blue, almost midnight blue, and the material looked as if it were silk. He caressed the bed slowly, feeling the material under his fingers. It felt like silk as well. He looked around him further more, noticing his closet on the left side of the bedroom with a full sized mirror exactly opposite it. He also noticed another door, between his closet and his mirror and so he move towards it to open it

As he opened it, another door opened on the other side and Lily appeared behind it. She seemed to be overjoyed with excitement. Until she realized that she would be sharing a bathroom with James Potter

"Wow!" she exclaimed as she diverted her now pink face to something else

There was a large mirror on one of the sides of the bathroom above two golden sinks, each for one of the Heads. Across the room, there was a shower surrounded by glass and a bathtub for whatever they felt like having and a toilet seat for each. The tiles were white and beige with the animals of each house carved upon them.

"Wow!" Lily repeated. All James could do was stare. He couldn't agree with Lily more; Wow!

"How's your room?" she said as she advanced towards him and he managed to sidestep her just before she stepped all over him.

She stopped right next to him intoxicating his senses all over again. He tried to step away from her but his back came into contact with the frame of the door, so he turned his head to his side, towards his room

"Wow! Your room is so much better than mine! My room is pink! Pink I tell you. I can't stand the colour, but I guess I can change it whenever I want to huh?" she said animatedly

James looked at her strangely but smiled all the same

"Well I'm going to be going to sleep" he told her pointedly

She was still staring at his room in awe and when she heard his voice she turned to him and blushed scarlet

"Oh, yea. Sorry" she muttered quickly as she stepped out of his room into the bathroom. "Well good night James" she added as she left his room

"Goodnight Lily" James replied with a smile and shut the door.

What the Hell? He thought as soon as he closed it. What was that all about? Was she blushing? Lily Evans never acted like this around him. Ever!

He shook his head and walked to his trunk to retrieve his pyjamas and toothbrush

__

What the Hell? She thought as soon as he closed the door. What the hell was all that about? She did not just blush in front of James Potter! She never blushed!

She shook her head and walked to her room to get her toothbrush.

She pulled out a dark purple toothbrush from her trunk, along with her toothpaste and walked back into the bathroom where she began bushing her teeth. When she finished she spat out the froth and washed her mouth. As she straightened up she was surprised to see James standing behind her, through the mirror, with a strange look in his eyes

Was that a flash of pain she just saw cross is hazel eyes?

"Fancy seeing you here" he joked

"Yea fancy that" she answered nervously as she turned around to face him. She gulped discreetly at the sight of him. She kept her eye on him as he moved to the sink next to hers to brush his teeth

He wore the bottom part of his black pajamas along with a small tight black t-shirt.

She could feel herself heat up and she knew she had to leave

"Well, goodnight again, James" she stuttered and turned to leave hurriedly out of the bathroom

"Sweet dreams Lily" she heard him reply before she almost slammed her door closed

That night she fell a sleep thinking of her first day back at school and everything peculiar about it and she managed to fall a sleep while trying to solve the mystery of one James Potter

James on the other had could not sleep. Every time he tried to images of his parents and sister dying in front of him flashed before him; his brother jumping in front of him, blocking a curse that was meant for him, the look of pure anguish in his eyes as he looked at him and Voldemort who was not standing very far behind, laughing at the scene.

He shot out of bed, sweating horribly, trembling all over and a throbbing pain in his head drove him crazy. He looked at the alarm clock next to him

03:48

Rubbing his eyes strongly he got out of his bed and wearing his glasses, he stood in front of the mirror, and pealed of his t-shirt once more turning to see his back in the mirror

Five large gashes were clearly visible as he turned on the light. One of the scars was bleeding a bit and he subconsciously looked toward his bed. As if confirming his thoughts, blood stained his new sheets

He muttered the cleaning spell and soon the blood had vanished. He then pointed to a piece of cloth that he found and muttered "_Aqua_", filling it with water

He slowly brought it to the small of his back where it had been bleeding and pressed it harshly on the wound, wincing at contact

He cleaned the wound completely and went back to bed, this time he had no intention in sleeping. He let the memories overtake him as he lay there in the dark. His mother, his father, his baby sister; they were all dead now. All the family he had now was his brother, who was in hospital under constant care.

He wanted to forget everything. Al he wanted to do was forget, but the scars on his back were a constant reminder of Voldemort's power, of the destruction he caused; a constant reminder of that night.

He knew he had been lucky. He had only been tortured and he knew it could be worse, though at the moment he wasn't so sure. He had lost all the family ha had

Tears escaped his eyes as he drifted into another sleep filled with a turmoil of memories and his brother's eyes

**__**

Thank yous:

DracozFallenAngel Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. Enjoy the rest

Areanna Thank you so much! I'm glad you're enjoying it and I hope you liked this chapter as well as what is coming up

Curiousknowitall Well either way you say it, both of them are gorgeous no? ;p****

Child-of-Scorpio Don't worry about Snape, he might change during the rest of the story but I wont be saying anything else on the matter just in case I spoil anything heh. I really like you're system, I might be getting one of mine like that! You don't mind do you? But it wont be with axes, more like knives. Big knives. But I hope you don't us your No 1 axe on me though. Well that's one thing we've got in common with our subjects then. We both suck at them, hate anything that has to do with English, except of course creative writing! Btw you're not boring me. I'm always looking forward to your reviews cos they're always long and fun and I enjoy answering back at them. And they are what get me through these god- awful days of my bloody exams! Well only four left and then summer holidays. Yay! Enjoy the chapter

Flying-piggy-123 Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm so happy you like this story and I hope you keep enjoying it

Jemstar Good, I hope you keep loving it too heh. Enjoy

Mandyzcool Thank you, I hope you enjoy the rest of it as well

Shay I got exactly the same taste in stories! Moody James = nice story heh. Glad you liked it

Lady of Masbolle In the place that I live in? Hot? Not in the least! Well maybe they are.. some.. heh. Well I'm going to be going on holiday I can experiment there! That's how I am when I get reviews as well! Jump up and down, put on funky music and start dancing heh.

Jap is another language that would be so interesting to learn! Is it? and drums seem like so much fun! Are they? You have violent friends as well? We should all get together and form a club or something. Well I'm glad you liked the chapter and I hope you liked this one just as much

C Thank you! Bows Thank you! Heh I hope you liked this chapter as well

Living In A Nightmare I don't know whether I should be happy about that or be scared, but either way I hope you still like my ficcy and I promise you that things are going to change. The plot thickens as you can see, and people change with it. But alas! You shall see! Just stay tuned

SnakeEyesHannah Oh. My. God. Thank you so much! I'm lost of words. Which let me tell you is rare.. just ask my friends! Thank you! I'm glad you liked it and I hope you still like it even if I screw it up heh

A/N I am so sorry for the wait! With all my exams I lost track of time but I managed to squeeze this in between exams and I hope you like it! The next chapter of Lost Hope is not far behind do dot worry. I might be updating more often now as I only have 4 more exams, 3 of which are next week and I want to finish at least one of my remaining stories before I have to go to Germany on the 13th next month so stay tuned! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter

Dictionary: _Salve veritate _saving the truth

__

Nosce te ipsum know thyself

****

_Aqua _ Water__

_Lapsus memoriae _ a lip of the memory


	5. Status Quo

****

Status quo

The following day found James in the Head common room. After his nightmare, he had found it very hard to go back to sleep, as his dreams were serving as a constant reminder of the last time he had seen his parents, and so he made his way down his dormitory stairs and sat in the comfortable couch facing the fire that was still alive, sinking deep in thought

His entire family had been in hiding for over a year, ever since his parents had joint Dumbledore's elite group, Order of the Phoenix. Trouble had begun almost immediately after that. Casualties were expected through the course of time, but nothing of what happened was even imagined

Lily had descended the stairs of her dormitory early in the morning and was surprised to find him sprawled across the couch. She moved a bit closer, only to observe him. She had never seen anyone her age look so small and innocent whilst they slept. He looked weary despite his present sleeping state and he had what seemed to be tearstains streaking down his face

She didn't realize how long she had been staring at him until he began stirring and muttering incoherently. She couldn't help but wonder about what he was dreaming. As he began shaking uncontrollably in his sleep, she found it harder and harder not to wake him up

In truth, she was worried about him. She shook him slightly in order to wake him up but he didn't. She was about to shake him again, but she didn't get as far as touching him as he sprang up into sitting position, panting heavily

In surprise, Lily fell to the floor next to him, staring at him in amazement. James on the other hand was still breathing hard and fast, his eyes fixed on the wall across from him, his heart pounding, and pain soaring through his veins to his back. It took him a few moments to even his breathing as he tried to recall his nightmare. The only thing he could remember was, his brother's bloodshot eyes as he stepped in front of him, to block that curse and _His_ high pitched laugh

"James?" Lily's voice broke through to him. Lily was watching him closely and at the sight of him visibly stiffening, her heart couldn't her but clench at his actions. His heat snapped to her

"Lily?" he asked still in a daze

"James!" she exclaimed relieved, "are you ok? You were beginning to scare me"

"How long have you been here?" was the first thing he asked her when his eyes were able to focus, his voice very much alert

"What? About five minutes. Why?" she questioned

"What are you doing down here?" he asked again ignoring her questions

"James are you ok?" she repeated her question

"I'm fine. I'm fine. What are you doing down here so early?" he confirmed in a softer tone. Lily looked over him with a studious stare

"Well, I always wake up at around six thirty in the morning. Today I just woke up a bit earlier, first day and all, and I came down stairs to find you sleeping on the couch. Then you started shaking a bit so I came to wake you up but it seemed that I didn't have to as you woke up on your own" she trailed off lamely, knowing full well that neither of them believed a word she said

"Right. Thanks" James whispered awkwardly. He slowly began to get up from the couch. Lily placed a hand over his as if to stop him. It worked

"James, I know that – that we aren't the best of friends at the moment, but I just want you to know that if there's anything bothering you that I would be – you know – here to listen to you. That is if you would ever want to talk to me about anything, but-" she rambled, embarrassed that she was telling James this, but James cut her off, by placing his other hand on hers and smiling slightly down at her

"Thanks, Lily. I appreciate it," he told her sincerely, "really I do. But there's nothing I need to talk about" he added, diverting his eyes from hers. Stabs of pain shot through his hands at his words and he slowly took his hands away as he stood. With a final smile he turned around to go to his dormitory

"You can't keep everything inside you James. But when you feel like you need to talk, come to me, or even one of your other friends. Please" Lily said to his retreating back.

James stopped walking for a moment at her voice, then shook his head and continued on his way up the stairs muttering something about 'people always saying that to him'

Lily plopped down on the couch, subconsciously lying over James' warmth. She closed her eyes as she inhaled his scent of cinnamon and aftershave. _He really did smell nice_, she thought. Her eyes snapped open and she sprang up into sitting position

"What the hell am I thinking?" she muttered loudly. She mentally slapped herself for thinking that. What the hell was wrong with her? First she stutters and blushes in front of him, then she gets worried about him, then she likes the smell of him? No. Way!

She shook her head vigorously and brought her hands to her hair. As her hands passed her eyes, they caught sight of something. She looked at her hands closely to see

"Blood?" she voiced her question. She smelt it and the smell of metal shot through her nose and she cringed. She looked down at the couch and noticed a long but thin line of what she thought was blood. Her head shot up to James' room

"No" she whispered in disbelief. She was about to go to talk to him when she paused to consider the prospect that he might not want to talk about any of this with her. She didn't manage to make up her mind as James came out of his room dressed in his school robes

"I'm going to breakfast, are you coming?" he asked in what was supposed to be a casual voice, but actually sounded very nervous. Lily wondered if the man in front of her was in deed cutting himself or if the blood came from a normal wound. When she began to think about it more, she wondered where the cut was, under all those clothes

"Lily?" James repeated. She snapped her head up to his eyes and she saw him look questioningly at her. She urged herself not to blush and she nodded

"Yea. I just have to change" she muttered softly

"Ok. Do you want me to wait for you?" he asked almost shyly

"If you want. But you really should go to breakfast, as you didn't eat anything last night. You need your strength you know" she told him, concerned. He looked at her, with a glint of amusement in his eyes

"Lily, are you really worried about me or are you just trying to get rid of me?" he teased. Lily playfully hit his shoulder, praising herself for not blushing in front of him

"No you dolt. I'm just merely stating the fact that you didn't eat last night and you must be hungry. You don't have to wait for me to go eat" she tried to cover up

"Right. I'll wait for you if you don't mind then, my flower. I'm not that hungry to tell you the truth" he told her, smiling slightly at her words. He knew she was trying to cover something up

"How can you not be hungry? I ate last night and I'm starving? You really should eat James, you've lost a lot of weight" she observed. She wondered if he looked even skinnier without so many of his clothes on. She mentally punched herself; "_What the hell am I bloody thinking????"_

"Yea, well I'm just not that hungry these days. So I'll wait for you flower?" he asked her. Lily could only nod as she spun around fast and almost ran to her dormitory

"Ok" was all James could say at her strange behaviour

Lily barged into her room, finally allowing herself to blush until one could not separate her hair from her skin. What was she doing? Since when had she been acting like that in front of him? Since when had she had those thoughts about him?

She shook her head, running her hands through her hair, before looking around for her school robes.

James didn't have to wait long for Lily to get ready as she came out only 10 minutes later, but it gave him enough time to think about things. As Lily had rushed to her room he couldn't help but stare after her and wonder what the hell was happening

He really didn't know what was happening between them and it was only the first da at school. She had never looked at him the way she had done the night before or even just now; like she was thinking something she shouldn't have been. If this was what was going to happen in his first day back, he really didn't want to see what would follow, despite the fact that he had a slight idea

Ever since his parents and sister had died, people he barely knew would come and give him condolences on his loss. As if they knew him! As if they knew what he felt! As he passed people in the corridors the day before, he received nothing but pity and sympathy. He hated it! Even the teachers would look at him like that

His hands balled into fists at the thought of going through his final year with nothing but sympathy from anyone. The only people that had acted as normal as possible around him were the Marauders, Lily Evans and Frank Longbottom, who knew what it was really like to watch someone you loved die

He heard Lily's door open and turned around to see her. A jolt passed through his heart as he noticed how beautiful she looked, but he smiled nonetheless and offered her his arm, to which she smiled and accepted shyly

As James led them out the portrait hole, he decided not to acknowledge the pity that was shown to him, whether from a student or a teacher

Sirius made his way down to breakfast with Remus and Peter, but unlike all the other times they had made the same route, he was quiet as he regarded his best friend's behaviour the day before

He knew what was going through his mind, albeit only vaguely. He didn't want other people's pity, just like he didn't when he had run away from his house. James had always been the one to hide his feelings, the one that tried to solve every problem that existed on his own, and his way of dealing with everyone else's sympathy was to act as normal as possible

As he entered the Great Hall, his eyes fell on his best friend talking to his favorite redhead and smiling, but he knew him much better than that. His eyes were flickering around the room, observing everyone and his foot was tapping in an irregularly fast pace; a clear sign that he was irate, or on the way of becoming so

"Merlin help us" he whispered softly as he made his way over to them

He sat opposite James, along with Remus and Peter, who seemed to be sensing James' agitation as well and sat a bit further away. Sirius become aware of the looks that James was receiving and immediately understood his resentment and glared to the students, and continued his breakfast in silence. That was until Professor McGonagall came up to them asking for James

She hated doing this. She really didn't know why Professor Dumbledore always chose her to do these kind of things, something between being his favorite teacher and his Head of House. She snorted loudly and glanced at the boy – no man – walking beside her. _He really does look like his father_ she thought with a sigh

"Potter" she said, as they were a good way away from the Great Hall and turned to him

"Professor" he replied almost bitterly. This was going to be very hard, she knew. He was getting very angry, very fast

"James," the transfiguration teacher sighed, getting his full attention, "I knew your parents personally, and I would like to give you my condolences before anything" she told him truthfully. He looked at her expressionless

"Thank you Professor" he said in a tone that matched his gaze

"I see you are still grieving, James, and I am beginning to agree with Professor Dumbledore about this arrangement" she continued in a low voice. James quirked an eyebrow at her

"Professor?" he asked equally slowly. This was the hard part

"Professor Dumbledore and I, James, have come to the agreement that you shall take at least three days in order to adjust to the Hogwarts environment, and for students to stop bothering you" she concluded

"But Professor" James began to object, but the aging teacher raised her hand in front of him to stop him

"No Potter. Those are the Headmaster's orders and I suggest you follow them" she instructed before leaving in a huff

Lily walked alone to the Transfiguration classroom, thinking about James and Professor McGonagall. Since they had left together, James hadn't been seen, despite the reappearance of the Professor with in the hall, looking rather pale and Lily couldn't help but think that something was terribly wrong

"Enter the class in an orderly manner if you please!" Professor McGonagall barked

Slowly but noisily, the class entered and took their seats. Remus and Sirius sat near the windows at the back of the class, whilst Peter and Lily sat next to them respectively. She subconsciously looked around for James but when she couldn't find him she turned to ask Sirius, who in turn seemed to study her, closely

"Don't ask us, we were with you" he answered her unspoken question and turning to his bag. Lily stared at him in surprise wondering vaguely how he did that but shaking her head slightly, she turned to Professor McGonagall's direction and raised her hand

"Yes Miss Evans?" the Professor asked her as she tidied her desk up

"Where's James?" she inquire some sort worried. The class instantly went silent at he mention of James' name and stared at her in surprised. She had called him by his firs name. Twice.

Professor McGonagall on the other hand looked at her in mild surprise as if trying to hold back a smile

"Well Miss Evans, as Head Girl I bestow upon you, the permission to search for him" she told her honestly

"What?" Lily questioned, staring at her

"Well, Miss Evans, you are Head Girl, and he is Head Boy. I have granted him a pass for the next days, and as I am indeed worried, as I'm sure you are too, about where he has gone" she explained. Sirius stiffened at her words and looked outside the window

"Right. But I don't know where he is" Lily muttered timidly. Sirius turned away from the window

"Lake" he coughed in his hands, pretending to have a coughing fit

"There you go Miss Evans. To the lake it is. Thank you Mister Black" the Professor said monotonously, still gazing at Lily, who had turned to glare at Sirius. Sirius stared blankly at her with a small smile on his face

Lily couldn't help feel grateful towards him, as she really needed to see him, and perhaps ask him if he was cutting himself. Still pretending to be angry about being the one off to find James, she grumbled under her breath and stalked out the room

"Moony, you think she's getting a bit soft on Prongs?" was the last thing she heard before she shut the door

James sat at the edge of the lake just gazing at it, overflowing with anger. The pity that was given to him by everyone, including the teachers, was unwanted. They all stared at him like he was some kind of freak, someone who didn't have anyone left to turn to or anything else to do in his life

He took a stone that was lying next to him and threw it in the lake with all his power, and watched it fly across the sky and sink into the water. That's what he felt like at the moment; like he was sinking, falling.

He had come to Hogwarts wanting to start anew and although he knew it was going to be hard, but as he began settling in with that idea, people didn't look up to him with encouragement, but with pity and sympathy and false sorrow. That was enough to throw him off course. He threw in another stone.

Since he had returned to Hogwarts, all he felt like was drowning, sinking, and falling. No one would understand. Perhaps only Sirius, but he never got three days off out of pity for running away from those demented parents of his. He threw in another one, still watching it sink

He felt that he was falling deeper and deeper into depression with every glance that people would shoot him, something that he really didn't want to do, but he couldn't help it. Why didn't people just treat him like he was a normal human being, instead of someone who was about to break at any second?

"James?" a voice broke his thoughts and he looked up, only to come face to face with emerald eyes. A larger, more powerful jolt past through him, making him flinch visibly

"Are you ok?" Lily asked worriedly as she was him cringe

"Yea, yea, just surprised me, that's all," he lied quickly, "so what are you doing here?" he asked her in a low voice in which Lily could detect a trace of self – loathing

"Well, McGonagall, sent me to see if you're ok" she muttered, slightly shy. James grumbled

"Well, she's the one that sent me away, why would she be looking for me?" he mumbled darkly

"Why did she send you away?" Lily questioned interested, sitting down next to him

"Because, I'm supposed to be 'grieving', and to 'adjust' to the Hogwarts environment," he told her, equally dark, throwing another stone into the lake

"But that isn't fair. On you or anyone else. You're not the only one to lose your parents or your sister or have someone you love put in hospital. By doing that they probably diminished your self esteem" she exclaimed exasperatedly, James looked over at her, with an appreciate smile and nodded

"Yea, but how many in one blow?" he whispered more to himself than to anyone else. Lily felt her heart clench at his words and mentally slapping herself for not thinking

"What did she mean to adjust to the Hogwarts environment?" she asked lightly, to change the subject. James studied her through with a piercing gaze and sighed as he glanced back at the lake

"My sister was going to start this year. She was ten and got her letter that day. She was so excited," he whispered. He took another gasp of air as he tried to fight back the tears that were burning his eyes, "My brother was going to come teach; Defense Against the Dark Arts. He was really good at it actually. It was going to be the first time we were all going to be in school together" he whimpered the last part

Lily stared at him, a newfound understanding evolving inside her. She knew now why James didn't want other people's pity; he thought he didn't deserve it. but another thing was now bothering her

"James, why did you come back this year? Dumbledore said you weren't going to be coming" she asked him softly

"I really didn't see any point in coming back this year. We've learned everything we needed too and I already have a job lined up for me. My parents agreed to let me bail this year, but that was before my letter. When I became Head Boy, they refused to let me leave. We had a huge fight that morning, which led me into running up to my room," he whispered

"And what changed your mind?" Lily inquire genuinely interested as James lay on the grass and covered his eyes with his arm, after taking of his glasses

"My sister made me promise not to push my parents' buttons and she would try to convince them to let me stay, although she would really be proud if I was to accept the Head Boy position. Bryan, my brother, didn't get it so she managed to underline the greatness of being the only Head Boy in the family. After she died those words just seemed to haunt me so I decided to come here" he managed to say, his voice breaking as he continued.

Lily knew that this must really be hurting him, remembering his sister and his brother, along with his parents and she fought to keep her own tears at bay. How did he manage to live through that?

"So you only came to school this year so you can punish yourself?" her voice came out, surprising herself

James remained silent contemplating what Lily had said. It was amazing and scary at the same time to see how this girl could read him so easily. She had only heard part of what happened that night and by hearing it, she had managed to figure him out. He thought about what she had said and despite the fact that he had known the real reason why he had return to school, from her it sounded so much simpler and in fact true

"James, you can't blame yourself for what happened. You weren't there so you shouldn't feel like you have to be punished about it. I'm glad you decided to come back here this year, really I am, but I honestly don't think you should have done it for anyone but you" she told him sincerely

James stared at her in wonder. This woman in front of him, barely even spoke to him before this year, and now, at is hardest, most lowest point, when everyone else gave him pity, she gave him strength and confidence to face at least part of the pain he was feeling. Not knowing what to say, he turned around again and gazed at the lake

"I'm glad I came" he whispered to the air and Lily smiled at his words. She was most definitely glad he had come as well

For hours to come, they sat there in silence, sometimes making small talk, learning more about each other, while students within the castle continued on with their classwork and their own lives, oblivious to the growing friendship outside

Somewhere between lunch and dinner they had decided to head back to the castle, as they were growing steadily hungry, at least Lily was. James only smiled and small mischievous glint appeared in his eyes, giving her a sign that the old James was still there and walked with her back to the castle

As they approached the Entrance Door, Professor Dumbledore appeared in front of them, as if waiting for them. He glanced between them and flashed a slight grin at them, and before either James or Lily could respond, he spoke

"James, I have just received news that you may find thrilling" he told him. James studied him

"Professor?" he questioned the old man. The Headmaster smiled at him, knowing that he would like the news

"Your brother has awaken" was all he said as he turned around to make his way to his office, both Lily and James following him in a fast pace

**__**

Thank yous:

Areanna I'm glad you liked the story so far and I hope you still do as it progresses

Myobgirly I've got great plans for this story so rest assured that it wont be finishing anytime soon heh

Revi Yup, and the next chapter will bring him within him another change that will be interesting to witness and will cause his relationship with Lily to shake a bit and wake he up a bit heh

Lady of Masbolle Heh, glad you liked it. I actually think that the English language has run out of adjectives heh.

DracozFallenAngel Thank you. And yes she is, although she doesn't know it yet. Nope, not even after this chapter, but all in good time, you'll see what I have in store for them

Lilbird thanks, glad you enjoy it till now

Flying-piggy-123 thanks again heh. Well someone will be trying to help him but there's more to come in the next chapter. Something is revealed that will shake the Marauders, Lily and a few of the Professors, but that's not for another three weeks, or more. I'm happy to hare that I've got someone addicted to one of my stories heh

Living In A Nightmare I will answer it. Of course you're not. Stories with a dark James and full of angst are just perfect for me too. Have you read Unexpected Happenings? It also has a angsty James in it and it's nicely written as well. Well thank you for your kind words and I do realise that I have serious grammar mistakes, as my teacher never fails to point out, and I really do suck at them.

Child-of-Scorpio does it really come as such as surprised? I really do like your reviews as they make my day. And just so you know, I don't have the patient of a saint, ask anyone, I just enjoy long and friendly reviews, to which I can relate. Another thing we have in common. My name means the listener, which of course is quite the opposite of me as I usually do the talking and when someone does end up doing the talking I kind of have the attention span of a pea. If peas actually have attention spans, in that case, try of a cat. But does that make sense? Who cares? Anyway, its true. I went for a job interview, and the guy there told me they were looking for someone older and then moved on to tell me why, but I was counting the cracks in the ceiling (19). I'm glad I have I partner in crime now, who uses axes, goes on the internet when the 'enemy' says not to (you're not the only one I can tell you that) and fight the enemy! Anyway I have to go 'cos its quarter to eleven at night here and I have to fix my suit case before I go to bed. I have very early flight to catch tomorrow so bye and I hope you liked the chapter ****

****

A/N well there you go, another chapter. This perhaps has been a bit of a pointless as it doesn't show much about anything. I actually only needed a chapter like this so I can introduce the next chapter, where **a lot** of things will be happening, and **a lot** of angst occurs. But either way, tell me what you think****

Dictionary: status quo - _the current state of being_


	6. Exceptis Excipiendis

**__**

Exceptis excipiendis

James couldn't move. He couldn't think of anything else other than what the old man had just told him

__

Your brother has awoken

The voice echoed in his head over and over again. Somehow it seemed unreal, yet he knew it wasn't. he didn't want it to be. A dull pain appeared with every heartbeat and he bit his lip silently

"James?" a familiar voice broke through his thoughts. He looked up to be drowned in emerald pools, and suddenly the pain increased a great deal and he winced, hoping that Lily hadn't seen

"Huh?" he asked unintelligently, as he averted his eyes

"I said, are you not going to go with Dumbledore?" her voice growing softer, as she watched the pain in his eyes as he looked away form her

"Yea" he muttered, happy for the excuse and reminder to leave

Lily watched him go, her heart growing heavy. Something was going on. Something big that she had to find out what. A shiver ran down her spine and she shuddered, knowing that whatever was going on with James was going to get much worse before it got better

The aging headmaster was sitting behind his desk, looking at the 17 year old man in front of him, through his glasses. He sighed deeply. It was unfortunate and unfair, he knew, that youth was forced to grow at such an alarming rate these days

__

What ever happened to staying a child for as much as possible? He thought

"Err.. Sir?" James interrupted the old man's reflection, looking at him expectantly, "my brother? You said he woke up?" he continued. Dumbledore noted worry and fear in his voice

"Of course, of course" the professor said, pushing his old thoughts to the back of his mind and gave the youth a sad smile. Silence followed

"Well?" James asked getting irritated, clenching and unclenching the handle of the chair trying to release the ache building slowly inside him.

"I knew of the possibility of your brother waking up whilst you were here in school, so I informed St. Mungos of this. I also told them to keep me informed of his condition" he paused to examine him, "James I have received an owl a while ago informing me that your brother has woken up. Although not fully recovered" he finished, his voice solemn

"Well that was expected wasn't it? He was hit by four different spells!" James gritted, his grip on the chair tightening and loosening as his aggravation grew

"Of course James," Dumbledore said hurriedly, "if you would like to visit him, I shall grant you permission to go to him tomorrow. If you would like to take someone with you as well then further arrangements can be made" he quickly went one, from fear that James might not be able to keep in his anger for much longer. People that went through that much in such a short period of time never did

"Can I take Sirius, sir?" James prompted. Dumbledore sighed and smiled

"I wouldn't expect you to chose anyone else Mr. Potter" the headmaster replied, and when he saw the eagerness in the boy's eyes he felt his heart relax

"Thank you Pr. Dumbledore" James muttered gratefully, standing up slowly

"Oh, of course, you must be very hungry James. I think dinner just began" he told him seriously, "perhaps you might take a walk to the kitchens if you need to, instead of being amongst so many people" he smiled

"Perhaps" was all James said to the headmaster, before turning around to leave

As he made his way down the stairs, with the old man's words still ringing in his head, he was surprised to see his friends waiting at the bottom of the stairs. He stopped to observe them for a few seconds, noting that they each looked as if they were in their own world

He really didn't want to disturb them but he knew they would want to know what was going on. They loved Bryan as if he were their own brother. They would want to know that he woke up. So he coughed loudly, receiving a nasty shock in is throat as he did so, wondering vaguely where Lily was

Sirius, Remus and Peter looked up at him as he tried to gain their attention and neither of them could suppress a smile at the slight relaxation that James held in his posture

"So?" Sirius asked excitedly as he took a step closer

"Bryan's awake" he told them, unable to hold in his enthusiasm. It had been weeks since he last felt something other than hatred, fear, loneliness and pain. He allowed himself be overwhelmed by the strange feeling before he felt a stab of pain at the small of his back, making him regret it instantly

"When?" Peter asked, unable to sustain himself

"Earlier today" James told him, trying as hard as he could to destroy any traces of pain from his voice

"That's great, James" Remus said patting his shoulder happily. He looked at his friends and wondered what he did to deserve their friendships, but thankful for them all the same

"Shall we go eat then fellas? I'm starved" James changed the subject. Beginning to walk towards the Great Hall, while his friends stared back at him and slowly followed him

Lily couldn't help but wonder what was going on in the headmaster's office. She had wanted to stay with Sirius, Remus and Peter in order to wait for him, with them but she knew she had no right. She had only known James for less that two days. There was no reason for her to stay. James wouldn't want her there anyway, she told herself

But she still couldn't stop herself from sneaking glances at the door every so often. Probably something to do with her need for sleep she tried to rationalize. Again she shook her head. She had been doing that a lot lately she thought with a sigh

"Lily are you ok?" Sofie, her best friend asked, breaking through her thoughts.

"Err yea. I'm fine. Just have a lot on my mind" she tried to avoid her friend's eyes and went back to her food

"It wouldn't be James Potter would it, Lily?" Sofie smirked, not looking at her.

Lily's head shot up to stare at her friend in surprise

"Absolutely not" she stuttered, "I was actually thinking of, homework" she added lamely, knowing full well that Sofie would never believe her. She knew she was right when she saw her friend's smirk grow larger

"Good, because here comes our own Mr. Darcy now" he whispered. Lily wondered what she was talking about as she turned to see James walking into the Hall

She would have loved nothing more that to shout at anyone who was giving him any sort of 'look' if she had the chance. Fortunately, James had Sirius to rely on for that. She instantly smile when she saw the faint trace of joy in his eyes when he looked over at her

As he began walking to the other end of the table Lily realized that Mr. Darcy wasn't a bad character to compare him to. The were both dark, in more ways than one, rich and both exceptionally masterful at anything they did

"Sop staring Lily" Sofie shoved her friend out of her reverie. Lily looked down at her plate as she felt James walk by him.

She struggled as hard as she could to stop herself from asking him what had happened, and she succeeded, though she couldn't stop herself from shooting glances at him every so often. She couldn't help but notice that James was also staring at her, though he was putting up less of an effort to hide it

"James, please stop staring, it's unsettling mate" Sirius muttered to his friend, who was yet again staring at Lily Evans who apparently was staring right back

__

Interesting he though

"I'm not staring" James dismissed absently, finally taking his eyes off the fiery woman on the other side of the table and turned around to see his friend

"What?" Sirius asked when he detected something different in his friend's eyes, setting down his food

"Would you come to the hospital with me tomorrow?" he told him solemnly. He didn't need to say for what.

"Sure buddy, when?" he told him reassuringly. James couldn't help but smile at his friend

"Tomorrow morning we leave right after breakfast" he told him

"Right. Ok. What about Remus and Peter?" Sirius whispered hesitantly, leaning closer

"It won't be the only time I go and I'm only allowed to take one of you with me," he explained

"Ok then" was all that he said in return as he went back to his food. James glanced at Lily one more time, noting that she was once again staring right back at him, before he as well turned his attention to his food

Later that night, Lily found that she couldn't sleep much, as she lay in bed and stared up at her sealing which she enchanted to glow with little stars. Quickly getting bored of her state, she threw her covers of and grabbing a book she made her way down to the Heads' common room

As she made her way to the large couch she discovered the sleeping form of James Potter once again. She restrained from waking him up and settled herself in the armchair on the left, closer to James head

She sat down, tucking her feet underneath her, and opened her book to read. Soon she felt the urge to glance at James' sleeping form. Shortly after she couldn't understand this strange hold, he had on her as she watched him from where she sat.

"You know, you're not all that good at this staring thing, you know?" his voice surprised her. She thought he was a sleep, what was he doing awake?

"James?" she hesitated. His arm remained over his face, but she knew he was smirking, and that thought comforted her somewhat

"Lily?" he replied, mocking her. She smiled

"I thought you were asleep" she replied

"Obviously" he replied in a low voice, as he moved his arm and shifted into a sitting position, facing the fire. Lily watched his every move, vaguely still wondering if he indeed cut himself

"How, come you're down here?" she heard herself ask

"Couldn't sleep" he answered in the same low voice as he rubbed his eyes, making himself comfortable

"Bad dreams?" she couldn't help question. She knew she was pushing it but she wanted to know

"Nope. Probably just habit" he dismissed absently

"You mean you make it a habit in staying up late?" she inquired in disbelief. Her book now forgotten

"No, just not sleeping" he replied, managing to shut her up. She sank in her thoughts, wondering once again about the strange change of James Potter

"You?" he asked in return, probably just out of politeness, she thought

"Oh, I just couldn't sleep," she replied after a few seconds

The two teenagers sunk in silence, the one thinking of the other, yet in very different ways. Lily wondered who James Potter really was, who he became, his hopes, and dreams, but if what he said in the train was true, then he didn't have any. It tormented her to know that he used to be so carefree, and now so unsettled.

James on the other hand wondered what was happening to Lily. He was getting worried about her. This is not how she usually acted around him. There seemed to be something else in the way she addressed herself to him, and frankly he didn't know if he liked it or not

"So, what's happening with your brother?" she tried to find out

"Yea, he's woken up" he said in a solemn voice although he was smiling down at his hands

"I know that" she said exasperatedly as she tried to refrain from rolling her eyes, "Will you be going to see him?" she added as a more detailed question. He looked up to her with a strange light in his eyes

"Yea, tomorrow with Sirius" he whispered in his low voice

"That's good James," she told him in an equally low voice. Suddenly she wanted to go back to her bed, and she slowly stood up. "Goodnight James, I hope your brother gets well soon" she muttered under her breath as she passed him

"Night Lily" he responded without even giving her a backward glance as he stared back into the fire. When he heard her door closed he sighed deeply as he slumped deeper into the couch, mumbling "I'm sorry"

In reality, despite the amount of 'emotion' he felt for Lily, he wanted to be alone at the moment. Something was bothering him yet he didn't know what it was exactly. Something in his life he wanted to fix

He snorted. _My entire life needs fixing _he thought

Yes, but there was something happening and he couldn't see it, whether it had to do with his family, his friends or with school.

As he shut his eyes to think about it he saw strange images

__

He was in a large room. The room was stony and cold. Something strange was happening to his necklace, and as he looked down to see that he wore his family heirloom, a necklace that was given to all the Potter children. It was glowing

Suddenly he saw is brother standing in front of him, crying blood, wearing his necklace which was also glowing. He just stood there waiting, watching, crying

"Bryan?" James heard his voice come out hoarse. Was this his brother? It couldn't be

Bryan the looked him in the eyes and James felt a familiar pain shoot through his head. Something that didn't belong in his brother's eyes was evident and he took a step back

In a flash Bryan was standing in front o him, the tears of blood now gone, but he still cried as he hugged James. James returned his hug, not having hugged his brother in so long

"Thank you, Bryan" he whimpered, on the verge of tears himself. Bryan pulled away taking a few steps back still staring into James' eyes, all the while, the pain in his head growing

"I'm sorry J. I really am" Bryan muttered and the pain in his head became unbearable. He began to fall

"I'm sorry" echoed from the walls as he continued to fall

Abruptly he stopped and found that he was on a bed, and an intense pain in his back told him that his scars were bleeding again and he took his shirt off in order to tend to them. He stood in front of a mirror that was next to the bed to examine them

As he looked in the mirror at his back he saw hands stroking his wounds. When his head snapped to his front where he saw Lily, standing in front of him.

His breathing quickly picked up pace as he saw her looking at his lips. Before he knew what was happening she was kissing him. His dream self couldn't help but enjoy it. Within seconds thought he pushed her a few inches away from him

The way she looked at him though, her eyes full of desire, hope and something else that he preferred not to think about made him draw her back into an embrace. He kissed her, never wanting to let her go. She pulled him towards the bed

As their kissing became more intense, with their tongues dancing together, and her hands unbuttoning his trousers, they stumbled onto the bed. He had manage to take off her top and was now caressing her chest. She stroke his back wounds making him shiver underneath him.

Just before something else happened between them, James felt something to be wrong. That they shouldn't be doing what they were doing. Someone was watching. He couldn't see them but he could feel them. She pushed her away

"Lily, no" was all he said and the bed disappeared in a flash. They were standing up and facing each other now, both fully dressed, but he could see her crying and he could feel the tears in his own eyes

"Please, don't push me away James" she sobbed

"You don't understand Lily" he tried to explain, taking a step closer to her. She stepped away shaking her head

"Then please James, please, explain it to me" she begged

"I- I cant" he said defeated. How could he tell her? He couldn't

"James, you cant- you shouldn't push me away" she went on, trying to reason with him

"She has a point James" Sirius appeared next to her, looking at his friend in a mixture of anger and worry

"You cant push all of us away, James" Remus stepped next to them, trying to comfort Lily and James couldn't help but feel a bit jealous

"It's none of your businesses!" he yelled at them, bringing a hand up to his head. The pain was returning

"How could it not James? You're our best friend! You're one of us" Peter came out from the shadows, standing next to Remus

"Leave me alone! Leave me alone!" he shouted falling to his knees holing his head, the pain becoming yet again unbearable. Then one simple sentence made everything stop

"You are_ alone James"_

"James?" Lily tried again. His eyes flew open and she took a step back, startled

"Lily?" he asked unsure. His glasses fell during the night. She smiled and handed him over his glasses

"You better get ready, and fast Sirius is outside waiting for you in the Great Hall" she told him

"Right, thanks" he got up to make his way to his room.

When he entered his room, Lily sighed and shook her head in his direction

"Please, don't push me away, James" she muttered as she left __

Thank yous

****

Flying-piggy-123 I'm glad you liked it heh. I wasn't exactly sure if I should make his brother wake up so quick into the story but we'll see how it works out. The spell that Snape put on James, will play an important part in the future and all I can tell you is it's going to be for the better. And its probably going to stay for the next 5-6 chapters.

****

Lady of Masbolle lol! And I thought it wasn't possible! Heh thank you so much though ;p

****

Sanely Insane I know what you mean. it comes to you unexpectedly when you realize you like one of the characters doesn't it? Sorry it took so long to update though. Hope there are less spelling mistakes in this one although I didn't check. Oh well

****

Marie Thank you sooooo much!!!

****

Lyss Unfortunately that comes in the next chapter. And the one after that, and a few more after that. But not in this one. I'm sorry L

****

DracozFallenAngel Well not yet anyway heh. Unfortunately you will have to wait a bit of a long time until they end up together. Both stubborn and if you judge by this chapter, they're both way to stubborn for their own good. I'm really really really glad you liked it! I love it when people like my stories heh, well who doesn't? You can keep pestering me cos then I'll probably be more motivated to write more thus update quicker. I know what you mean about that, but then again most of my stories portray James like that, but I kind of prefer him with a bit more depth and responsibility along with a darkish side as well. I accidentally stumbled on a site which tried to explain tragic heroes and it just seemed to fit James so much!!! Yea sorry bout that. I often don't know where to stop. Just where I seem to find a good idea to continue, millions follow so I just stop so I don't get carried away heh. Never mind, I like long reviews so don't worry. I hope you like this chapter!

****

QuistisBlack thank you, thank you , thank you! I'm glad you liked it and I hope you continue liking it no matter how much I screw this thing up heh

****

Lilbird THANK YOU SO MUCH! Heh ok overdid it sorry heh

****

Liz Thank you very much for reviewing, I really appreciate it and I'm glad you liked it and that you still like it after a few chapters of this. Oki, now, the spell Snape put on James, made him very sensitive to his feelings. Not in the sense that he's become more sensitive towards other people, but that he feels pain when he feels something that he himself doesn't think he should feel. When Lily walks past him, he thinks he shouldn't feel anything for her, and due to the fact that his feelings are so great for her, he's in physical pain, that he cant have her? Did I confuse you? Cos I think I confused myself there heh. Tell me and I'll try to explain it a bit better

****

Jen Well not soon enough unfortunately. Glad you liked my story heh, hope you still read it given the fact that I haven't updated in almost six months

****

Sara Goddess writer? blush well I wouldn't go that far, but thanks anyway. I'm glad you like the story. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for reviewing and saying that its one of the best stories you've read heh. It makes me feel special

****

Aries Chic You do? Thank you very much! Really sorry I haven't updated them yet though, but Orion it to follow and then Lost Hope but I hope you'll still read them heh. Thank you for your very kind words of praise although I don't feel I deserve them heh hope you like this chapter

****

Areanna Oki! I'm sorry this is so late but please try to forgive me! I hope you wont give up on this story cos there are some none clichés and some cliches coming up soon which I hope you and everyone else will like. Thank you so much for your compliment heh

****

Priscilla Ryu Glad you liked this and my other fics. It is a bit morbid but then again that's the best kind of story don't you think? Hope you like this chapter

A/N ok before you kill me for the long wait, please think about it this way; if I die you don't know what happens! See? But seriously, I'm really sorry for the really long wait for the updating of my stories and the addition of two more one-shots that I did but please forgive me. I'll be updating my other two fics _Lost Hope _and_ Orion _very soon. Don't give up on the stories! So could you all tell me what you thought of this chapter by reviewing? Yea so, said what I needed to say now all I have to do is wish you all a Happy New Year!!!!

Latin Dictionary: Exceptis excipiendis - _excepting what is to be excepted_


End file.
